#I WONT BE THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR A COUPLE HOURS
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Cowboy...
#oc#sketches#mwnn#when thaddeus fell#staring at images of him so i wont have to think about my quiz in a couple hours u_u#look upon my cowboy & rejoice
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My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://
#i tried to ask her if she wanted to get sushi with us for fathers day (48 hours away) and she said 'yeah unless something happens'#and i was like 'okay well the website says they wont seat us unless we're a full party' and she was like 'maybe ill make it maybe i wont'#then hung up on me#THEN texted me like 'just put me down for a no.. i cant decide this on less than a moments notice and you clearly dont want me there anyway#and 'thats the answer you wanted right? 😘'#fucking GOD FORBID i try to do something nice for my dad on FATHERS DAY after not being able to see him for several months#bc hes been flying to and from IL every couple of weeks to care for his dying father#and the saddest part is that for mothers day or her birthday or anything like that my dad is always the person bringing it up first#to my sister and me to make sure we can all plan something that will make her feel special and appreciated#and meanwhile my mom acts like a fucking toddler the second the attention is not on her for 2 seconds#'im tired and so busy and you gave me no time to decide' i literally would have given you a few hours to think about it if youd communicate#instead you passive aggressively imply i hate you because im doing something nice for someone else#ALSO you are not the only person on the goddamned planet that is busy and overwhelmed right now like are you KIDDING#i want to cry#personal
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actually fucked that dao has a whole dlc about what would happen if the warden died during the ritual and its just like . yea alistair would have failed . he was right about being made to lead in that situation :) he wouldve died and all of your companions wouldve died hehe . like What . what
#i have so many thoughts about alistair im not kidding .#i try to avoid posting abt characters bc i have an extensive fear of mischaracterizing them but im allowing myself to alistairpost in this#one instance to make myself feel better#and also this is just so fucked . someone asks why he wont take the lead and he goes#’yea no . it would go poorly . i’d die . my companions would die . it wouldnt go well’#and we can go Ok!! thats just like . his deep fear of falling short of expectations#but NO!!!!! NO!!!! he’s literally RIGHT!!!!#genuinely SO fucked#anyways im sorry im pretty sure i saw a post abt this recently so i might just be reiterating something#but honestly it SHOULD be reiterated . its FUCKED!!!#and also ive thought about this so much . ever since i played dao a couple of months ago ive literally been thinking of nothing but#alistair and the warden . i wish this was an exaggeration or a joke but its not . its really not#ive allowed myself like 2 thoughts for iwtv&castlevania but im not kidding when i say ive spent several hours every day#dedicated to thinking about alistair and the warden
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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ok i actually need ot ramble ab that wip
#ghosts rambles#in the tags ofc. smiles#no cause i have been DYING to actually animate something and the thought popped into my mind the other day#like i was rereading the isolation imagine and i was seeing it play out vividly in my head and i just. what if i animated that#i had a couple hours to kill tonight and i was stupid bored so i got to drawing !#the good thing about this is that i dont really have to quote on quote animate???#like no over the top frame by frame stuff. its a lot of still frames and only slight movements#or repeating ones#there was only 15 storyboard images i did for this so i think that says a lot#plus i like leaving it at a cliffhanger technically. u get to imagine how they work it out ^-^#there's 11 unique backgrounds i have to do and Hopefully the editing of frames wont be hard. like the phone turning on and off#and light sources from like the sun outside w choro or the light from the shades in ghosts bedroom#and obviously this will take a while. like i cant promise a definitive date of when itll be done#earliest is like prob by the end of november depending on my schedule and motivation#OK RAMBLE OVER. if u have any questions feel free to ask ^-^ i heart talking
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oh also this real quick
#tsukuyos like this in my minds eye#spent like the past hour thinking about how theyd work#all i ended up with was headcanons about their traumas#all i got out of it was that i think theyd both bottle up any grievances theyd have and i cant think of anyway theyd fight#like a couples fight. yknow. the healthy ones#cause like. to me i think ashley would be the type to bottle something up and never bring it up#sayings its all fine and good and putting up a brave and easy going face. worrying morw about how others feel and ignoring herself#while i think tsukuyo would also bottle things up but in a more silently stewing in it way i guess?#idk. like a silent treatment type thing or something that she’d eventually end up exploding over?? idk. straw that broke the camel’s back#idk! maybe all this shows is how much i have no clue about anything at all especially about relationships#anyways moment of weakness wont happen again probably look at the funny ashkuyo lo#basically im just gonna keep posting about making fun of them i cant be serious with them at all#magia record#ashkuyo
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twitter having 'national girlfriend day' trend tonight is so funny like how did they know i was thinking of masato
#snap chats#he's still my toxic girlfriend sorry#i was sitting by the road today and being emo As Per Usual and i thought about comin on here like#'maybe if i looked at pictures of my evil toxic girlfriend ill feel better'#maybe i should just draw him... idk im not really feeling like. EXISTING tonight#i keep hoping ill die from high blood pressure soon and its just not happening like cmon....... dont play with me like that blood pressure.#ok bye im gonna. idk.#drink matcha ig#i called my dad just to say hi because im trying to do that more and i just ended up crying like a BABY#and he just told me to eat cause he knows me and he knows i hate myself and that means i Wont eat 😔#i mean he said a LOT more obviously but yk.. the eating part's relevant since im talking about just drinking matcha and calling it a night#prrroobbbabblyyy not the best hting to do.... not when thi smatcha apparently got creamer and sugar in it The Fuck#I DIDNT KNOW THAT my disappointment is immeasurable... i just wanted pure matcha tyvm...#maybe i should start odering it online since i know i wont find any locally...#but those are plans for when i have money and dont feel like lying on the side of the road#for now uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i GUESS i'll have tea... and quiche... so i dont disappoint my dad....#he'd never know but i'll feel bad.... ok bye...#we'll see what i do in the next couple hours but one things for certain i WILL think of my evil toxic girlfriend <- masato
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sigh 😔
#so fucking frustrated with my sleep rn!#was trying to fix it so last night i slept like??? 3/4? hours?#and i literally refused to go anywhere near my bed all day. made sure i was always doing something and i waa quite productive tbh#only to feel exhausted at 10.30pm and think ok. Maybe you can sleep now and get a full sleep then wake up early#i can usually only sleep 6 hours at a time which is enough for me i think#anyways so i fall asleep. only to fucking wake up at 11pm. so i basically just had a nap#and i know what im like. i wont be able to sleep for at least a couple hours now so basically my sleep was fucked#i tried so hard to just force myself to lie back down and try to sleep again but i couldnt do it#i know its not that big a deal but im just so. fucking tired. and i guess i just kinda hate how hard i tried to sort my sleep just for it#to fail so miserably. like its usually not great. hasnt been for years but this is honestly on some other level.#anyways idk why im here complaining about it. will probably delete this later. time to go do whatever awake ppl do i guess#le text post
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im awake so i guess i should probably go to uni?
#ive slept like maybe 1.5 hours with breaks in the between#but yesterday i slept from 10am till almost 7pm so its not like im completely sleep deprived#but i think theyre going to do only presentations today and my friends wont even go so i will be alone#so i dont really want to go#but i feel guilty about not going even tho ive already skipped that class a couple times#maybe bc its the last in person class that i have before the holidays?#also i think one reason i want to go is bc im hungry and i want to eat breakfast so maybe i should eat and go back to sleep#i hate decisions can yall decide for me in the next 5 minutes?#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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i think it’s a bit annoying how managers in particular at my store kinda put people down if they notice a mistake (not to their faces but like, if they notice a book in the wrong section or whatever they’ll get on the headsets to complain) bcs i feel being less hostile might help people feel able to admit they made a mistake so they can learn from it
on the other hand i feel my blood pressure rise when i see a book in the complete wrong place in history and i can’t help but wonder aloud to all my coworkers who the fuck would’ve done it. so i understand but i try not to be mean about it LMAO
#Psy's no punctuation posts#work tag#i was thinking about that today because i combed through history as i'm wont to do if they don't immediately shove me on registers#and saw History of Indonesia in fucking Africa a book on Holy Rome in Roman Empire (this one i understand but smh) and#a History of Eastern Europe in Russia. yes Russia is Eastern Europe i GUESS but no!!! there's a whole Eastern Europe section! it's small#but it's there and Christ almighty the title is the DIRECTIONAL FACE OUT!!! all you had to do is read the shelf talker!!!#it bugs me in particular bcs. yall i went over the entire section's organization with each and every coworker painstakingly#the only person i haven't is a new transfer we just got#i've only had one shift w her and we only overlapped by a couple hours and fucking shocker i was on register again#in any case i just always wonder who is making these wild decisions about shelving history. i know it wasn't customers#them books were new so they were shelved wrong at the outset
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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STOP TELLING ME TO TRY INTERMITTENT FASTING
#i have BINGE EATING PROBLEMS#i have many times eaten about 5000 calories in the span of a couple hours#dont think i wont do it again#tw eating issues#tw binging
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#tw animal death#one of my rats is sick and im not doing well about it#i think he has an upper respiratory infection and its bad#i made a vet appointment but if im being honest i dont think hes gonna make it that long#and thres no emergency vet for exotics near me#his breathing sounds painful and its so hard to listen to#and hes not eating or drinking. ive tried hand feeding and watering him. he just wont accept it#today i picked him up. and normally he fights being picked up. but today he just let it happen#he let me cuddle him for half an hour. normally when hes out of his cage he doesnt stop moving#he only sits in his hammock. and it's so hard to see him pass like this#im trying to give him the best time that i can. ive been trying to feed him his favorite snack (goldfish crackers) and let him out often#i love him so much and ive only had him for six months and thats just not enough#i got him from a friend and im dreading having to tell her that he died#hes my little baby. when i picked him up today i gave him kisses and just kept saying 'i love you. youre my baby' over and over#watching him die is killing me. ive cried every day since he got sick. even broke down at work because#i didnt want to be away from him that long. every day i come back from work or wake up and im afraid hes gone#its 5am and i dont want to sleep because checking on him every morning is terrifying#i love him so much and dont want to live without him (or my other little babies) but i can feel the day coming#i just hope he had a good few months with me and knows how much i love him#edit: i can hear all his breathing but then all of a sudden i cant hear him anymore. and its happened a couple of times#I'm scared that tonight's the night. and i want to hold him for the last little bit. but he doesnt like to be held#he likes his hammock. so if hes passing then i want him to be comfy. i just dont want to lose him#i keep checking on him every time i cant hear his breathing. im afraid hes gone. this is so fucking hard#its past 6am but i cant stand the thought of not being there if something happens. i just love him so much
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my brain is broken broken i literally just had the thought that im looking forward to hearing the christmas music this year. girl its january 2nd go see a neurologist
#i joke a lot about having no concept of time but sometimes it is actually a bit scary#i want to chalk it up to the fact that i normally spend holiday periods working on projects so i dont participate in celebrations much#i think im gonna do myself a favor and stop overburdening myself with work once im done with this project i have to turn in on march#i do wanna pass my uni classes in september too but once thats over i wont sign up for more stuff to do outside of work#for a couple years at least#or my head is gonna explode#do you want a me/cfs relapse? this is how you get a me/cfs relapse#hell maybe ill even take a year off work in 2026#to do fuck all and just recover mentally from what the last few years have been#when i say i havent stopped for a minute i mean it#my job has never crunched me im just incapable of not filling every waking hour with projects classes and stuff#its on me 100% i need to stop
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୨୧. 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞-𝐮𝐩 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥
: ̗̀➛ when was the last time this man got a good night's sleep? pairing: toji x fem!reader. fluff, fluff, fluff...
an: just needed to get this out before i do my hw lol. i picture this as like pre-relationship :P wc: ~600
toji recalls one of the moments he realized he was whipped.
after hopping from place to place, staying in shitty motels and abandoned train stations, he got his first true and proper rest with you.
he’s used to waking up to the sight of an empty bed, a dirty ceiling or, hell, even the open sky when things got really rough.
so when he opens his eyes, refreshed, one of his arms draped across your waist, the assassin is a bit dumbfounded. toji is quick to settle, blinking a couple of times until you come into focus.
“oh, you’re up.” you smile, leaning comfortably against the headboard. "welcome back, sleeping beauty."
why’re you awake? he thinks. usually he’s the one up and at ‘em, rising before the sun.
by the looks of it, you’ve been up for a while. the television was on, playing one of your favorite shows, the volume lowered. you have a mug in your hands, your eyes brighter than any sunrise he’s seen thus far.
he lifts his head and props himself up on one of his elbows, his hair a mess of black strands pointing in all sorts of directions. “yeah.” he yawns, running his fingers across his scalp before he grumbles. “i’m up, i’m up.”
fuck, is this what actual sleep felt like? he hadn’t felt this good in a while.
his eyes catch sight of your alarm clock and he has to rub the excess sleep out of them to make sure he isn’t dreaming.
“eight in the morning?” he sits up, his shoulder brushing against yours as he rests his weight on the headboard. that's a good three, maybe four hours later than he's used to.
you look at him like he has two heads, unable to keep from letting out a light laugh.
"it's not that late." you pause, keeping a tease from slipping past your teeth as your fingers come up to wipe some dried up drool from the scarred corner of his lip. "you were knocked out."
he clicks his tongue, gently swatting your hand away and finishing the job himself. since when did he drool? "yeah, yeah, i'm not a damn baby."
the bed creaks as he adjusts his position, crossing his legs at the ankle and stealing the mug of coffee in your other hand. his nose wrinkles at the sweetness, at that little splash of creamer you usually add.
"you could've fooled me." you retort, taking back your coffee. "plus, it's sunday, so just go back to sleep or something. i already got breakfast on the way."
toji doesn't know what's worse, the fact that you expect him to stay or the fact that, fuck, he wants to.
his response is just a grunt, a stubborn sound of acceptance. the bed is still warm, the company is good and he knows there's no where else he'd rather be.
he'll think about that later, or maybe he wont. for now, he won't deny himself an extra few minutes of rest while you continue to watch your shows.
he lays back down, blanket over his shoulders, and drapes his arm over your lap, head resting against your hip. "you got extra meat, right?" comes his gruff inquiry, more child than man.
"extra meat." you affirm, one hand bringing that sweet caffeine to your lips while the other laxly combs through his hair.
with that, he seems satisfied enough, finding it odd that his head is feeling so heavy. when he drifts off into sleep, his shoulders rising and falling at a steady pace, he dreams of a big breakfast and the promise of a lazy day with you.
#jjk fluff#toji fluff#toji fushiguro x reader#fushiguro toji x reader#toji x reader#toji x y/n#toji x you#hitting the shinji chair pose as i publish this#i want to [redacted]
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